Disclaimer: Not mine. Top Secret/Gekko and whoever.

Warnings: Very, very dark fic with adult themes and the death of a major character.

Author's Notes: No idea where this came from, other than I was thinking about one of the "flirting" scenes were Sam looks embarrassed to me. Just typed it out waiting for my sore-throat meds to kick in enough so I could sleep. Jeez, maybe they should warn about evil-muses as a side effect of Cepastat? <g>

This Man's Army



When she was little, she believed.

That we were the good guys.

That boys and girls were the same.

That she could be anything she wanted, when she grew up.

When she was little.

They told her lies.

You learn.

Be one of the boys. Take it like a man.

Don't ask. Don't tell.

Never tell.

When they send you through the obstacle course, and shove you into the mudpit.

And your olive green T-shirt plasters to your skin.

Don't listen as they talk about your breasts.

When they corner you in the barracks after hours.

Remember their hands, the laughter. But don't tell. You have to be a team player now, not Daddy's little girl.

Boys will be boys. And you were asking for it, weren't you? You were there.

And she was good. She was good and she got promoted to the project she wanted to work on, and she got used to it. Same old shit, and it was just what you had to do. Put up with, to get to the work. The important stuff. The game you had to play.

She hated the change of command. Devil you know is always better than the devil you don't. She was used to O'Neill now, the humiliating comments in front of other people, that he liked it on base, what he liked best.

Makepeace scared her. He didn't...

... look at her breasts.

... or rub up against her on the elevator dropping sublevels from NORAD.

... or make the little comments that let her know what he wanted.

She didn't know what she was supposed to do.

He didn't like Daniel or Teal'c. Didn't want to be responsible for civilians, didn't trust a man who had already betrayed his oaths, and she wanted to keep them on SG1.

She only knew one way to ask for that.

So she went to his office, and tried to play the game.

Said you can have me, without using words. What do you like, I'll do it. Favor for favor.

He wouldn't play.

She got angry, and afraid. Past thirty now and she was losing her edge, the only edge she had? Or don't ask don't tell and should she warn Daniel, who was sweet and shy and probably had no idea that this game existed?

But no. He wasn't. He was just... a commanding officer.

Time passed. And she was treated with respect.

Like an officer, a real 2inC, not just a little girl playing dress-up. Not just a convienence.

She began to believe again. That there were good guys. That there was equality. That she could be anything she wanted to be.

And then O'Neill came back.

And Makepeace was taken away in chains.

One colonel took things from our not so helpful allies. One colonel forced her to have sex with him in storage rooms. One colonel would do anything he had to, to keep Earth free. One colonel protected Earth because then he was allowed to do anything he wanted. One colonel lied. One colonel told the truth.

Earth's enemy was the Goa'uld. They took people. Free people. And turned them into slaves. That was why they had to be stopped. All of them should be stopped.

That's what Carter said, when they found her over the body in the storage room, with his pants around his ankles, and a za'at in her hand.

~ End ~

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Page last updated 8/15/03.