Disclaimer: The Sentinel and its characters are completely the property of Paramount and Pet Fly Productions. I use them out of reverence, solely for fun and not for profit.them occasionally.
Warnings: B-movie humour and insect abuse!
Author's Notes: This was a self-beta'ing exercise in silliness originally posted to the TSGenFic List.
Cockroach! Cockroach! Cockroach!
Jim Ellison stood on the balcony, keeping guard over his city. His partner, Blair Sandburg, watched him [*Sidekick*; B-movies have one hero only] worriedly.
"Jim?" he asked, Sentinel soft. [Recommend stating Sentinel concept]
Jim heard him, his supersenses always aware of Blair. [Never mind]
"Yeah, Chief?" he returned. [He returned? Where had he gone?]
"Ah, you, you, you're all wound up. Have you been thinking about Veronica Archer again?" Blair asked. [Unnecessary attribution]
Jim stretched his arms wide on the railing and hung his head, shaking it slowly.
"Could it beLila?" The one. More likely than the unfaithful Veronica, even though she was an assassin Jim would probably have had to kill in the line of duty if she hadn't been hit by her own boss.
"No, no," Jim murmurered. [sp]
Uh, huh. Who did that leave then? Blair flicked past Michelle and Laura and came down on The Enemy. "A-A-Alex?" he couldn't help stuttering.
Jim heard more than the shudder on the name. He heard the shudder in the frame. [Unintentional rhyme (?)] He reached out a long arm. [Of the law?]
Blair was drawn into a warm embrace. [Slash alert! Slash alert!]
Jim gave him a manly hug and let him go. [Slash narrowly averted!]
"It's not anything personal, Chief," he said.
Blair nodded, relieved. Jim Ellison's personal feelings were a nightmare maze of PTSD, betrayal and black bag jobs. Even a sidekick [Very good] needed a [Who cares what you think?] break from
[Everyone cares. I'm the beta][Well, beta this!][CRUNCH!][Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!][The self-beta'ing is over; please go back to your usual reading pleasure][They're gonna miss me....]
"Then what 'impersonal' thing has you standing out here like the Colossus of Rhodes, staring into the Darkness?" (It was night.)
Jim sighed, and turned back toward the loft, running a hand over his face. "I don't know, Cheif. I just don't know. I wish I did. But there's something out there, somethinginhuman. And it's headed our way!"
Blair gulped had. "How do you know, Jim? You have a vision, or is it something you picked up on, with your Sentinel senses?"
Jim beckoned to his partner and drew him inside the loft, closing and locking the balcony door behind him. "No vision, Cheif," he replied. "II don't know quite how I know it, but there's just somethingunnatural out there." Jim cast a worried blue gaze out over his city.
Blair wasn't about to have his best freind caught up in a night-long vigil, no matter what the Danger. If Jim hadn't located it by now, it would not hit Cascade before morning, and they both needed to be fresh if some new horror was coming with the Dawn. "Come on, Jim," he coaxed. "There's a Jags game playing. I'll make popcorn and we can relax a bit. If there's some new horror coming with the Dawn, we both need to be fresh for it."
Jim shot him a hard glare, but as usual, the Guide's advice prevailed. "Yeah, yeah, I know you're right," the Detective admitted. "We do need to be fresh if there's some new horror coming with the Dawn." Jim gritted his teeth and the tic in his jaw pulsed every second. "Let's get to it, then! Relax!"
The two incredibly handsome men sat down on the couch and put everything they had into relaxing. But it was not to be. In the middle of the Jags game, an emergency broadcast message blanked out the screen.
"Warning! Warning! Warning! A gigantic, radioactive cockroach has crawled out of the Desert where they've been doing all that nuclear bomb testing, you know the one, right, and is headed northwest. On its present course, this new horror will reach Cascade, Washington, with the Dawn. Take all precautionary measures. Evacuate the city. We will be updating the cockroach alert every hour. Warning! Warning!
Warning!" Announcer Will Robinson's voice stopped there, but the game didn't come back on.
"I guess that's it for relaxing," Blair muttered.
"That's what I was sensing, Cheif!" Jim was elated. "The gigantic, radioactive cockroach that's on a course for the great city of Cascade! I sensed him!"
Any questions Blair might have had for his supernally gifted partner had to wait. The phone rang. It was Captian Simon Banks, of the Major Crimes Division of the Cascade P.D., Jim Ellisons' superior and Blair Sandburg's whatever-he-was-to-Blair. (It defies Definition. So I'm not even going to try.)
"Jim!" Simon barked into the phone.
Jim had already dialled down his hearing, Blair at his side. They were sharing the receiver.
"Yes, Captian?" the Detective answered.
"We need you! Not just Major Crimes, but Cascade needs you! Get down here and do some Sentinel stuff!"
"Right away, Captian!" Jim assured him.
"Me, too, Simon," Sandburg put in.
"Bring Sandburg along too," Simon Banks said, ignoring Sandburg as was his usual won't.
Jim nodded at the phone and so did Blair and Simon and that was enough to close the conversation.
"Quick, Cheif! To the truck!"
Cascade's heroes raced to Sweetheart, ready to face the new horror coming with the Dawn.
The downtown core had been a disaster area waiting for the Disaster. People ran every which way, screaming into the night. All the lanes on every road were clogged with cars and trucks and vans and motorcycles and jeeps and Winnebago's and bicyles and scooters and other things with wheels, heading out of the city.
Jim had had to use the flasher and siren, and drive on the sidewalks, too, but he was used to driving on sidewalks, 'Extreme Driving' being one of the courses he taught at Police Academy from time to time. In the end he got the two of them to Police Headquarters and the Major Crime Division in jig time, hardly increasing the screaming of the pedestrians by more than a Decibel. Pretty good Driving, Blair thought.
"Simon!" Jim yelled as he dove through the entrance to Major Crimes.
"Jim!" Simon yelled back.
"Simon!" Blair yelled too.
"Sandburg!" Simon yelled in reply.
"Cheif!" Jim yelled at his partner.
"Jim!" Blair yelled in answer.
"Stop yelling!" Jim yelled to him.
"You started it!" Blair yelled in self-Defence.
"There's no time for that now!" Jim yelled to cut off the yelling.
Simon looked around, and decided to take charge.
"Men, we have a crisis on our hands!" he yelled.
Jim didn't yell at Simon to stop yelling, because Simon was the boss and he always yelled anyway.
"What is the situation," Jim asked tightly.
Blair crowded up behind Jim as a map was unrolled on the conference table for the whole of the MC squad to see. Blair, being between half a foot and 9 inches shorter than Jim, whatever, couldn't see through his Sentinel, so he poked him in the kidneys and Jim hauled him in front, under his arm.
"Here is where the gigantic radioactive cockroach is," Simon declared dramatically, circling a location in red marker pen. "Here is where it was first sighted." He ringed another place. "If we connect them"he did so as he spoke"and then continue on that line"he made a broken line next"the gigantic, radioactive cockroach is heading for"he made a bold X on the map"here. 'Here' as in here. Cascade, Washington."
"What can we do, Jim?" Blair asked, and all the MC squad, Detectives and Captian both, waited for the answer with bated breath. Jim just shook his head. Everybody started turning blue. Jim still didn't comment. Sandburg, choking for air, bunted him with an elbow in the ribs.
"Ow!" Jim said at last, and everyone could breathe again. "Okay, okay. Um, I think Sandburg and I should go out and try to find the gigantic, radioactive cockroach." He waited for the approbation of his hearers.
"Sandburg's waiver of rights against the Department and the city of Cascade is up-to-Date?" Simon asked tersely.
"Uh, yeah, Simon, it is," Blair assured him from beneath Jim's elbow. No sidekick would ever forget to sign their waivers, incase they were injured on the job. (That was the job, see. Being injured. Look up the Definition of 'sidekick' and you'll see Blair with his ribs bandaged, his forehead stitched up, and a cast on his leg. All at once. The timeline in TS isn't real time, and this is. So there!)
"Good, good," Captian Banks grunted. "Okay, Jim, you and Sandburg can go out and try to find the gigantic, radioactive cockroach which is coming with the Dawn."
Everyone but Jim and Blair looked releived.
"We're on it, Captian!" Jim stated,
Blair, still in Jim's armpit, tried to nod his head. Captian Banks ignored him again.
"Jim, Jim, slow down!"
The Guide's plea impeded the Driver not one whit.
"Jim, please, we gotta figure this thing out!"
"What's to figure, Cheif? There's a new horror coming with the Dawn and we have to go find it." Jim was determined, more determined than any other hero who didn't have a tic in his jaw.
"But we dont' know how you're sensing it!" Blair's voice was filled with horrorthis was just general horror, not the horror coming with the Dawn.
"There's no time for tests, Sandburg," Jim shouted. "I wont' be your labrat now!"
"No, no, Jim," Sandburg shrieked over the squealing of Sweetheart's tires. They were driving through the University, south of the disaster area of the downtown core, on an intercept course, headed for the gigantic, radioactive cockroach. "Not tests! Better... uh... planning. To get the gigantic, radioactive cockroach! We must know if it's your sense of smell in case it hides behind a mountian downwind, or, or, if it's your hearing, so if it starts chafing its gigantic, radioactive feet you can be prepared for the awfulness of the sound, or, or..."
"H'mm," Jim h'mmed. "Well, okay, then. But only if it's for planning." He scowled at Blair, who pushed his head back to look at the road, which was about to go off one of the mountians littering the Cascade scenery.
"Yeah, for planning," Blair said soothingly, wishing he had his laptop so he could take notes. "Now, turn your sense of hearing down to zero."
Jim frowned. Blair couldn't tell if his partner had done it or not. "Jim! Jim!" he yelled, getting no answer. It was not the definitive answer to the Guide's problem. Jim was as guilty of ignoring him as Simon Banks was.
Blair took Jim's head and turned it toward him. "Dial it back up," he said, pushing the air up with his hands, then turning Jim's head to look out the windsheild again.
Jim said, "What was that about?", snarkily.
Blair sighed. All sidekicks are sooooo misunderstood. "Did you lose track of the gigantic, radioactive cockroach when you turned off your hearing?"
"No," Jim said consideringly. "No, I still knew it was coming."
"Okay, then, turn down the sense of touch to zero," Blair requested.
"Why?" Jim didn't like taking orders from Blair. It was contrary to the whole hero-sidekick paradigm.
""Cause maybe it's the radioactivity of the gigantic, radioactive cockroach that you're sensing," Blair said sensibly.
"Okay," Jim said, having made his point. He wasn't taking no stinkin' orders from no sidekick without no explanations. He turned down his sense of touch.
"So?" Blair asked.
"Nope. I can still sense the gigantic, radioactive cockroach, Cheif," Jim declared. "What next? Sight?"
Blair took one look out the windsheild at the mountians and shuddered. "No, no, we'll save that one for last," he said. "You dont' happen to notice any of the mountians kinda shining, though, do you?"
"Not more than usual, Cheif," Jim said.
Blair rubbed his head for a while, trying to digest that information. "All right," he said at last. "We cant' try taste."
"Yuck!" Jim said with Disgust. "You trying to kill me, Cheif?"
"No, I just said we wouldnt' do taste. Geez, get a grip, Ellison."
Jim turned too look at him a third time and Blair quivered and cowered into his seat. "There, there," he said, pointing out the windsheild. "See, we're getting close to the city limits." He held his breathe. He was thankful that the Detective looked away from him to the road sign. He had almost committed Hero-Desecration. He was only allowed to commit Hero-worship, of course. Them's the rules.
"Okay, Cheif, now what?" Jim asked forgivingly.
Blair smiled lovingly, but in a masculine sort of way, to show he appreciated his partner's forgiveness, as per usual. "Uh, well, I guess we try smell. Turn it down, Jim."
"You shouldn't have made chili for Dinner, Cheif," Jim muttered to himself.
Blair let it go, as he so often did with Jim's Digs. "Okay, okay, just do it." He sighed and rubbed his forehead again.
Jim picked up on the signs that Blair had a headache and forgave him again for near-Hero-Desecration. Hero's do that kind of thing for sidekicks, whenever they're not bringing them back from the Dead, that is.
"Cheif!!!!! That's it!!!!! I can smell the gigantic, radioactive cockroach!!!!!" Jim said excitedly. "At least, I can when I have my sense of smell turned up. Can I turn it up now?"
Blair waggled his head. "Sure, Jim. Knock yourself out. Got it?"
"Yeah, and it's getting stronger!" Jim exulted!
"Good, good. I think. The gigantic, radioactive cockroach is closer, you mean?" Blair was full of indecision and fear, as is obligatory for short, cute guys, so the the tall, handsome guys can be decisive and fearless, and do some nurturing stuff too, to get the mothers in the audience to keep watching. (Kiss of Death, but they live on in our VCR's, and hearts too.)
"We're more than a match for it," Jim nurtured. Then he hit his head with his hand. "A match! A match! That's it, Cheif!"
Sensing that his partner had discovered the meaning of the approach of the gigantic, radioactive cockroach, Blair asked anxiously, "What do you mean, Jim?!?!
What's a match?!?!?!"
Jim smiled his great big smile that he was only allowed to smile at Blair and only once in a show, "cause it's too sexy to waste more often. "I'm smelling his pheromones. He's on his way to Cascade to mate with his match!"
"Ewwww!" Blair ewwwed.
But Jim broke in and Blair stopped ewwwing. "What's more, I have smelled pheromones which are exactly matched to the gigantic, radioactive cockroach! Right here in Cascade!"
"You have? Where? Surely there are no gigantic, radioactive cockroaches in Cascade!" Blair exclaimed.
"No, Cheif, there are no gigantic, radioactive cockroaches in Cascade," Jim smiled, but not the great big smile, of course. "There is, however, his perfect mate and I know where to look. It's time to turn this puppy around and head back for the University!"
Blair tried to find the puppy, but there wasn't one, so he forgot about it. Jim hauled on the wheel and they headed back for Rainier U.
"Jim, Jim," Blair shouted. "We can't allow the gigantic, radioactive cockroach to enter the city of Cascade to find his mate! It would be a new horror coming on the Dawn for our fair city!"
"I have a plan, Cheif," Jim laughed. "Trust me on this."
(No, Blair didn't say the obvious. I like to think of myself as innovative. Just so you know, in case you got the wrong idea from this fic. He just trusted Jim instead. On with the story!)
They headed for the U.
"This is where we have to make our stand," Jim said to Blair, standing on the slope of Mount Rainier.
There was a kind of stomping sound rumbling through the earth, and Blair could feel the ground shiver beneath him. "Why here, Jim?" he asked.
"Because," the Sentinel said meditatively. He was silent, because he was so meditative and thoughtful and stuff.
Blair prodded him before he could meditate himself to sleep. "Yeah, but how come, exactly?"
Jim stared off into the Dawn, with which the new horror was coming, and just over the closest mountian peak. That peak was glowing, almost more than the sun to their right side (or was it left? Rises in the east. Must be left. I think. Maybe. But they're facing south. So it would be upside down and backwards. Okay, I guess it's right after all.)
"Jim?" Blair asked plaintiffly.
"Oh, yeah, Cheif. Well, the blowhole or whatever you call it of Mount Rainier is the only safe place for the cockroach to land. He can slide all the way down into the center of the earth." Jim pointed into the blowhole.
"Oh, Jim, what a good plan!" Blair enthused. "How are you going to make him do that?"
"Our secret weapon, Cheif." He pointed at the flatbed of the truck.
"Ooooooh," Blair oooooohed. He drew his brows down.
He had thought Jim was being nurturing, but there was a sense of impartial justice about this plan that Blair could not avoid. His face cleared again, and in the ruddy rays of the Dawn, he was adorably cherubic and Hero-worshipping. (Insert 'aw' here.)
"Yes, Cheif," Jim went on. "Sometimes we have to make sacrifices. I had always hoped you would never know this side of me, but I was a Ranger, Black Ops, covert operative in my passed, and it has prepared me for this moment. The gigantic, radioactive cockroach must mate in the blowhole of Mount Rainier!"
"Wow," Blair wowed. "What a neat plan, Jim." He glanced at the sacrifice, and a little sorrow flitted across his face, 'cause he's a really nice guy and wasn't a Ranger, Black Ops, covert operative in his passed, just a student alone and lost and waiting for his Sentinel to find him, or him to find his Sentinel, which way was that again?
Anyway, they stood at the top of Mount Rainier and waited. Soon, the gigantic, radioactive cockroach appeared, rubbing his legs together.
"Look away, Cheif," Jim said. "I don't want your pure, clean spirit to be tainted by this new horror coming with the Dawn.
"Turn down your hearing, Jim," Blair said, looking away, protecting his sweet, innocent self as his kind, sensitive Sentinel told him to do.
"Okay, Cheif, I'm on it," Jim said. He strode to the truck and lifted the sacrifice out of the flatbed, hauling it over his shoulder in a fireman's carry, all the way to the top of the mountian.
The gigantic, radioactive cockroach stared at him with all it's eye facets. The Hero and the sacrifice were reflected all over, just like with a fly. (I don't know what cockroach eyes look like, but this was a gigantic, radioactive cockroach, so it could have had thousands as many facets as the normal kind. This is my story so I can write what I wanna.)
The gigantic, radioactive cockroach began to scuttle towards them!!!!
"Run, Blair, run for your life!!!!!!!" Jim yelled.
Jim yelled at the gigantic, radioactive cockroach next. "Over here, big boy!!!!!!! Here's your perfect mate!!!!!!!"
He put the sacrifice down and tore the sack open, just as the gigantic, radioactive cockroach reached the peak of Mount Rainier. Oh, yeah, like, the sacrifice was in a sack. Sorry.
Jim ripped the sack apart. Lo and behold!!!!!!!!! There was someone inside the sack!!!!!!! Chancellor Mary Sue Edwards, the woman with the pheromones of a cockroach, looked up and saw her fate!!!!!!!!
"ACK" she ACKED. Then came her finest moment ever.
"Better to die young and rich than old and poor! Take me, you gigantic, radioactive cockroach! You smell divine!"
"Young?" whispered Blair.
"Young?" echoed Jim.
"Young!" Chancellor Mary Sue Edwards declared. "In his eyes I am perfection a thousand or so times over." She was fascinated by the facets.
So Jim rolled Chancellor Mary Sue Edwards down the blowhole of the mountian and ran to Blair's side. Together, they ran away. Not Chancellor Mary Sue Edwards, though. No, the gigantic, radioactive cockroach got her and they both rolled down the blowhold to the center of the earth and no more was heard of the gigantic, radioactive cockroach from that Day hence. Or of Chancellor Mary Sue Edwards, for that matter.
The Dawn was still dawning. Jim and Blair stood proud upon the mountian top, knowing that they had saved the fair city of Cascade from a new horror that came with it. Beautiful beams of pink light played upon their fine features. Jim's shirt was ripped, but I don't know how it got that way. Blair, of course, was wearing a T-shirt and flannel, even though it was July. Jim's muscles bulged through his shirt. They never let us get a good look at Blair, so we have to imagine his muscles bulging wherever we like. And we do like, right?
Then they went home and phoned in a missing persons report on Chancellor Mary Sue Edwards, telling Simon it was a Sentinel thing so he'd stop yelling, and Jim gave Blair some aspirin for his headache and Blair talked Jim through his guilt for having been a Ranger, Black Ops, covert operative in his passed, and both of them thought a lot about sacrificing Chancellor Mary Sue Edwards, and finally smiled at each other over a beer, 'cause that's what they do at the end of a story.
P. S. Didja miss the self-beta'ing? <weg>
P. P. S. Now those of you on the SentinelAngst List know why I asked the question from way back when. Chancellor Mary Sue Edwards, the woman with the pheromones of a cockroach, had to die. Now I can claim this as my fixer for The Sentinel by Blair Sandburg. Yup. That's what this is.
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